


(i) collided (into you)

by orphan_account



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Look forward to it, M/M, Porn With Plot, Romance, Smut, VictUuri, but in later chapters maybe, i guess?? haven't decided, ok so maybe for now no smut, yes maybe in the next few chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-24 23:52:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10752375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: [AU] where Yuuri's a student living in Tokyo and Victor is visiting Japan from overseas. Yuuri didn't believe in good things, but when he saw Victor's face, he might have changed his mind.[based on a true story]





	(i) collided (into you)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ZhenLe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZhenLe/gifts).



> if you have known me a long time, you will know that the work titled 'collided' is something i have been wanting to write for over a year. here it finally is.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5sux0Ap-FI
> 
> (when i momentarily fell in love and i heard this song, i cried. i wanted love to feel like having insomnia for years, and finally being able to fall asleep when you lay with them beside you. like safety, like burying fears)

 

** [ _i do not feel safe_ ] **

 

The weather forecast was wrong again.

Voices in the background along with the clinks of utensils made the family restaurant Yuuri sat in seem more alive, but the way his eyes kept fluttering shut was an indicator that he wanted to be anywhere but there. Still, he promised himself that he would work for six hours, since he owed it to himself and his education. Before he left his one-bedroom apartment, he double-checked the weather and nowhere in the news report did it say that it would be raining. He averted his brown eyes towards the windows and frowned. To be fair, it was only _drizzling_ , but he still felt annoyed. He never used to mind when it rained, but in the last year, it was really starting to make him feel depressed.

Even more so than he usually felt.

Sighing, he picked up his pen and thumbed the pages of his textbook, his lower lip pouting out. _If I hurry this along, I could go out tonight_ , he thought to himself. Yuuri was always the cautious type, which meant that if he did anything reckless, no one was expecting it. His entire philosophy was to do what made him happy and to not care about anyone else, though with his personality, it was difficult to execute. People often praised him for being organized, for being so well-behaved. Still, whenever he was alone, he was forced to face his deep-rooted thoughts that told him he wasn’t _good enough_. Often being complimented for his restraint against temptations and his hardworking nature, he couldn’t help but feel his heart fall heavy every now and then at how lonely he was. No one would look at him as inspiration, nor would they look at him as someone they could go on an adventure with.

It was the middle of January, and for some reason, it was raining almost everyday despite the frigid winds. Maybe that’s why he hated it lately: it was always consistent. Unlike snow, who promised to come every year, but sometimes never showed up. That was better though, because if it snowed, he usually took it as a good omen that things were going to change for the better.

He drew in a breath as he pinched the bridge of his nose, his eyes tired and wanting to rest. At this point, he had already ordered four plates of pasta, but the waitress would continue to act like it was a normal thing every time he called her over. Reaching for his phone, he checked his messages and exhaled through his nose, debating whether he should _actually_ find another stranger to party with again. It became a routine, and had been a routine for over a year, for him to go clubbing on weekends with people he didn’t even know. During those nights, Yuuri had the opportunity to shape himself to be whoever he wanted to be — the charmer, the flirt, the intellectual, the guy who only spoke English when he was hammered — anything that didn’t actually show the fact that he was lonely, angry, and lost.

After a few clicks here and there on his phone, he had already made a new “friend”, hopefully one that he didn’t end up seducing after copious flirting and an unlimited number of drinks at his favorite bar. He promised he would be different this time around, he vowed he would try to be better and stop trying to kill his sadness. Packing up his things and glancing once more out the window, he silently wished for the rain to let up and rest for the night.

* * *

 His name was Victor.

Yuuri smiled to himself as he read the messages on his phone, taking off his coat as he did so. From what he could tell, Victor was a somewhat lively person who knew exactly how to talk to strangers as though he had known them for years. Maybe that was part of his charm, though: his charms and charisma that he probably unknowingly used too much of to make people become naturally drawn to him. It was definitely a little different than what he was used to, Yuuri had to admit. Usually, he would’ve chosen someone who was more shy than him so that he could bring out their inner animal. Still, he joked around about how Tokyo was a big place and that _he_ was the guy to go to for tips on where to party.

 _Actually_ , Victor wrote, _since I’m coming from Okinawa, my friend and I could use a tour guide._

The brown-haired man cocked an eyebrow.

_Haha really? I could be your tour guide, then._

It took a few minutes before his phone buzzed again, right as he stepped foot into the shower. Quickly reaching for his phone and turning on the shower, Yuuri smiled again, feeling amused.

 _You should come with us, then. We’d get lost_ , Victor texted, the emojis he used resembling something like embarrassment.

_I wouldn’t want to invite myself or impose on you guys._

A reply came almost immediately.

_You’re not. I’m inviting you._

Yuuri drew in a deep breath as he stepped into the bathtub-shower, holding his phone at arm’s length as he thought for just a few minutes. He ran through all kinds of scenarios in his head, thinking that just hanging out couldn’t go wrong. Making friends was always a good thing, even if it was just friends you met for one weekend and never saw again. He smiled, typing out a quick reply.

_Okay. I’ll meet you at 11:30 at Shibuya Station?_

_Sure,_ Victor replied, _but could I have your number in case I get lost?_

Yuuri hadn’t smiled that genuinely in a long time. With a smiley face and his number in his reply, he quickly washed his hair and brushed his teeth, reminding himself that tonight was about making a new friend. He didn’t have to push himself — which he often did — to get into bed with someone. It used to feel like a necessity, like he had to _prove_ something to someone, or maybe that someone was himself. Somehow, he thought that if he kept finding new people to sleep with, he was proving that he _was_ attractive. Countless times, his friends had tried to convince him that he wasn’t unattractive in the first place, but Yuuri knew that there were some things that needed to be done. For him, it was messing around with different people until he grew tired of it, and _boy_ , did he grow tired of it.

At this point, it was less about proving he was desirable, and more about trying to get someone to stay with him. So far, that hadn’t been such a successful feat, and he was becoming frustrated with the prospect that even when he wasn’t looking for someone, he was. Being a romantic at heart, it was difficult to escape the grasp of impossible things, like the fact that he could be more than just someone who would be fun to roll around with.

Grabbing his coat, Yuuri slipped into his shoes and pulled out his phone from his pocket, his nerves telling him that this was something different than he was used to. In spirit of keeping this Victor person a _friend_ , he didn’t try dressing up a particular way, and just wanted to seem more relaxed. Fujimidai Station was just a ten-minute walk from his apartment, but he always found it annoying when he had to bring an umbrella with him, especially if the skies only poured a light drizzle. Couples would pass by him on their bikes and they’d smile at him, silently greeting him. Out of all the households in this area of Tokyo, he was pretty sure that he was one of the only young people who always came back past two in the morning. He never saw anyone else come back by taxi like he did, or maybe they were just hanging out somewhere else until the sun came up.

It was only 10:30PM, but it would take about forty minutes to get to Shibuya by the normal train, and thirty minutes by the express train from Nerima Station. Victor had messaged him, said that he and his friend were already waiting for him at the Starbucks across the street from the station. Drawing in a deep breath, he pulled his scarf over his mouth as the train doors closed. Everyone surrounding him already looked so tired and every now and then, he caught a few of the women glancing at him. _Probably wondering where I’m going_ , he thought. Because he was bilingual, he was told by his other Japanese friends that he gave off an aura that was different than the other Japanese men, which evidently, was something people could _sniff_ on him.

The last few months had been difficult for Yuuri. Forcing himself to engage in the life of one-night stands harboured some dark and lonely thoughts which impaired his judgment on certain people. Of course, they were smooth-talkers who knew their way in a bar and in bed, which seemed so appealing at first, but the more Yuuri did it, the more he had to wonder if any of these people actually _felt_ something when they touched him. It was very possible that they were the same as him, touching just for the sake of touching and whatever it was that they felt, they killed it with harder thrusts or harder kisses. Eventually, someone would come to take advantage of that seeking nature Yuuri had, and he’d broken his heart by lying to him about an ex-boyfriend he convinced Yuuri he had long gotten over. Like a tornado, Yuuri started seducing every single person he met up with, until they could no longer keep it in their pants. Every single time, he could feel his anger become a thicker fog and he lost himself even more.

Having been so _angry,_ he wanted nothing more than for someone _else_ to be hurt.

Still, when the novelty wore off and he would stand in his own shower alone under the hot water, he promised himself he would stop. _After the tenth guy,_ he told himself, _I will stop doing this._ It proved to be pretty easy to stay away from people after that, but when he _did_ get close, Yuuri had to constantly remind himself that he was trying to change, trying to be better and kinder. _That_ was the difficult part.

“The next station is Nerima. The exit will be on your right side,” the intercom resounded, “Passengers switching to the Ooedo Line, the Fukutoshin Line, and the Nanboku Line, please get off at this station.”

Pulling out his phone, he quickly pulled out the train times and glanced at the bulletin of the station they were pulling into. Plugging in his earphones and turning up the volume, he quickly shuffled to the door and walked out, looking at the big clock above him as he stepped onto the opposite side of the platform just as the train arrived. There were significantly more people on the train, and Yuuri could feel his claustrophobia kick in. When the doors opened, a swarm of salarymen stepped off, their tired faces looking straight through Yuuri as they walked off towards the ticket gates. Even though it was a Friday night, these train lines happened to have responsible people who simply wanted to get home in time. Glancing around the train car, Yuuri saw a few women who were eyeing him up and down and giggling. It often went like this: they could apparently _smell_ on him that he wasn’t a typical Japanese person, and they could tell that he was different in more ways than one. They would often stare at him until he gave a cold stare that wasn’t meant to be cold. It was always the same: people looking at him in awe as though he wasn't also a person who happened to live in the same city as them. Checking the time, he sighed softly as the doors closed and the train left the platform.

The drizzle of rain didn’t seem to let up ever since he left his apartment and he imagined that he wasn’t the only one who was irritated. Holding his umbrella the entirety of the ride, Yuuri started to wonder what kind of person Victor was. If he was anything like the other men he’d been with, it was a good thing he had made that pact with himself about _not_ getting into bed with a total stranger. It was fun, and he had a good run, sure, but somewhere along the way, Yuuri started feeling anger more intensely than he was used to, and he directed his emotions towards himself in a destructive manner. He was beginning to grow incredibly lonely every time someone looked at him in the dark or when they touched him, that it caused him to lose sleep.

A good night’s sleep was so difficult to come by now.

“We will shortly be arriving at Shinjuku-sanchōme. Please exit on your left.”

Looking at the glass on the door before him, Yuuri started to feel strange, like maybe something was different about tonight. He believed in things like omens, but that was only because his mother was superstitious and instilled her beliefs into him. In Japan, it was hard finding someone who believed in things like being meant to meet someone or being meant to do something with your life, since most people thought that the life you obtained was one you worked hard for. Still, Yuuri was aware of the fact that not everyone had the luxury of believing in something bigger than themselves.

“Next station: Shibuya.”

Tightening his grip around his umbrella, Yuuri stepped closer towards the door, his nerves beginning to become frayed. _It’s not like I haven’t done this before_ , he told himself as the train came to a stop. Even as he passed the ticket gates and made his way to the stairs leading to Hachiko Square, he still felt like he should be nervous, like something was waiting for him. Taking a deep breath as he walked over to the dog statue, he pulled out his phone and texted Victor’s number, asking him if he was out of the Starbucks across the street already, but a reply came swiftly after with the mere words: “We’re right behind you.”

Swivelling around, Yuuri faced a crowd of people who were taking shelter under the canopy of the Luminé building — the ones who had forgotten their umbrellas — and he could see a silver-haired man waving his arm around, motioning for him to come over. It was difficult to say what Yuuri was expecting as he took steps towards the man in his blue hoodie that was so ridiculously foreign, but when he faced the blue-eyed man, his brain went blank. Suddenly, he forgotten everything he had learned in the last two years about the laws of attraction and he couldn’t speak. Still, he tried, and Victor — the man whose piercing blue eyes were surprisingly kind and a little shy — smiled. Maybe, things like being meant to meet someone wasn’t a concept, but it was a type of magic that not everyone got to experience.

“Hi,” Yuuri smiled, “have you been waiting long?”

“Not at all,” Victor answered, “got here about ten minutes before you. This is my friend, Chris.”

“Oh, hi,” Yuuri said, glancing in the direction of a blonde man whose expression was overly friendly, “do you guys wanna go to a nearby bar to get started?”

“Lead the way!” Victor chuckled, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

Even as they took the Shibuya crossing and walked towards 109, Yuuri found it somewhat difficult to form words. He was generally a shy person, but he had created a facade to help him in situations like this: he would pretend to be someone else and say whatever it was that came to mind. Ultimately, it was a matter of confidence, and being able to lie through your teeth, but for some inexplicable reason, he couldn’t find it in himself to be someone else. All he had left was the very thing he was trying to erase.

“So,” Yuuri said, embarrassed, “what’re you guys doing down in Tokyo?”

“Work was starting to get hectic,” Victor replied, “so we kinda decided to come here on a whim.”

“And here I am, showing you what Tokyo’s like.”

With a laugh that made Yuuri smile, Victor nodded and shrugged.

The alley that was a shortcut to the bar was lined with love hotels, which were all too familiar to Yuuri. He couldn’t help but remember the drunken nights he spent in them, the laughter tumbling out of his mouth as he was undressed and pushed onto the bed. In all honesty, that wasn’t too long ago, but it sure felt like a different lifetime every time he looked at the neon signs that shone brighter than his eyes on days he was ‘happy’. Every now and then, Victor would glance at him but not say a word, and he would keep walking with his hands in his pockets.

Surely, it hadn't been _that_ long since Yuuri had last shown his face in his favorite bar, but as soon as he walked in, his favorite bartender smiled. “Oh, you’re back!”

“Has it been a while?” Yuuri said politely, his Japanese flourishing out naturally.

“You even changed your hair,” the bartender chuckled, “I almost didn’t recognise you.”

Victor and Chris sat at the table right by the window and Yuuri glanced back, thinking that maybe it was just a little pathetic that the bartenders around here were starting to recognise him. Maybe, he was doing this too much. Still, he smiled and ordered drinks for their table, pulling out two thousand yen and cashing it over.

“New friends?” the bartender asked, gesturing with his head.

“Yeah,” Yuuri replied, “they wanted to see Tokyo so I offered to show them around.”

“You must be a lot of fun, since you show a lot of guys around.”

It stung, but Yuuri laughed anyway, because he knew that in these parts of the city, being that kind of person only brought you benefits, like discounts in bars or in clubs. Being seen as fun had other perks, too, because people seemed to think that when you were enjoying life way more than they were, that petty things like emotions didn’t matter. Essentially, that meant that you could do whatever you wanted, go to any party you felt like going to, talk to whoever you wanted — it was a spell that was looming over people as they grew up in this city. It promised popularity and maybe sex appeal, but the ultimate outcome that someone would get out of this was that they were lonelier than most. Like Yuuri, they would keep engaging in behaviour that would make them less lonely for only a few hours, before the reality of their lives hit them in the chest and made it heavier. Some people were better at dealing with it.

Yuuri was not one of them; it’s _why_ he kept fucking new people, looking for something to pour his heart into.

“Oh,” Victor said dejectedly when Yuuri placed the bottles on the table, “I don’t actually drink beer.”

The black-haired man blinked, surprised. “Oh. That’s okay. What do you want?”

“What do they have?”

“Depends on what you want,” Yuuri said expertly, “they have vodka, tequila, jaeger —“

“Jaeger would’ve been a good choice if it didn’t make me violent.”

“You don’t drink the rest?”

Sheepishly, Victor ran his fingers through his hair and chuckled, his expression embarrassed. “I’m a bit sensitive to certain liquors, since I haven’t drank in a long time, so something light and easy would be nice.”

Yuuri hummed as he lost himself in thought, tapping his chin while looking at Victor’s face. He was certainly very attractive — he had a strong jaw and high cheekbones and his nose was even a little crooked, something that Yuuri always thought was endearing. There was something else about him, though, but it was difficult to pinpoint. Most of the time, Yuuri would look at someone and immediately know what kind of person they were, and he would know what to say to make them intrigued. Victor was different, though. The extent to which he was different, though? Yuuri had no idea, and it was secretly making him feel more drawn to the guy.

“What about a Malibu Coke?” Yuuri asked.

“What is that?”

Now, _he_ was the embarrassed one. “When I don’t want to get too drunk, I order it. It’s rum and Coke, basically. It’s really sweet.”

“That sounds good.”

Yuuri watched as Victor picked up the glass and took a sip, his eyes immediately lighting up. _He’s so cute_ , Yuuri thought to himself as they took their seats, exchanging stories about their lives. It was becoming apparent that Victor’s friend Chris was merely there to reduce the tension and stress of meeting someone new, since he wasn’t saying very much.

“What brought you to Japan?” Yuuri asked good-naturedly as he took a sip of his beer.

“Really,” Victor began, “we just wanted a vacation. Being professional athletes doesn’t always allow you to relax, but we decided to take advantage of the fact that the season doesn’t start for a few weeks.”

“Professional athletes?” Yuuri smirked, “You’d think you would have chosen somewhere like South America.”

“Been there five times,” Victor replied, his eyes amused. “Plus, this would have been the first time we were traveling to Asia.”

Yuuri nodded, fingering the rim of his bottle as he listened. “So, what sport do you guys play?”

“Technically, we’re still training,” Victor said as he rubbed the back of his neck, “but we’re ice skaters.”

Yuuri blinked, the rim of his bottle firmly pressed up against his lips. _That’s a first_ , he thought.

“I’ve never met anyone who… I mean, I saw your photos,” he laughed, “but I thought it was just a hobby! That’s amazing!”

“Is it really?”

“You’ve gotta be pretty strong and flexible to do ice skating,” Yuuri retorted, “so I admire that. That’s honestly really great.”

In that moment, Yuuri could see Victor’s broad shoulders become more relaxed as he settled into the fact that it was okay to let loose. Considering he was an ice skater, it probably meant he had to be poised most of the time, and know what he was doing. The blue-eyed man continued to talk enthusiastically, his voice clear and deep and Yuuri could swear that his curiosity was piquing. He had made a promise to himself that he wasn’t going to seduce this man, and he was sticking by it. Still, it made him wonder what that nagging feeling in his stomach was, and if it knew something he didn’t.

Just as they fell silent while they drank their drinks, Yuuri heard one of the other customers in the bar exclaim, “oh! Look outside!” and so he did, noticing that the rain that was mostly nonstop for the last few weeks, had turned into lightly falling snow. He couldn’t remove his eyes from the window as he watched the flakes fall and melt into the pavement next to the street, his heart jumping in a way he wasn’t sure he should be worried about or not. 

“It’s snowing,” he whispered, and Victor’s head turned to look outside, though he was not as moved as Yuuri was.

“You’ve never seen snow?”

“I have,” Yuuri breathed, “but I haven’t seen it in a long time since it’s been raining a lot this past month.”

“Maybe it’s a good sign, then,” Victor said offhandedly as he drank from his glass.

Yuuri whipped his head around to look at Victor, but the man didn’t seem to notice. Still, it seemed to be an unruly coincidence that it had started snowing. Chugging down his drink, Yuuri reminded himself that there _were_ times that snow would fall, but it wasn’t enough to blanket the city in white. He drew in a breath and scrunched his brow, knowing for sure that something was different, and the more he thought about it, the more it felt like he couldn’t place his finger on it. His heart didn’t feel so heavy anymore, but that was probably because he had had a few drinks and was bundled up warmly in his favorite bar. He smiled as he turned to look at Victor.

“Feel like going to Roppongi?”

“We were there a few nights ago,” Victor replied.

“Well, it’s kinda like Party Central,” Yuuri laughed, “so there’s a few clubs we could hit there.”

“Do you go often?”

“Not at all,” Yuuri replied as he got up, slipping into his coat, “but the night is still young. We’ll have fun.”

* * *

The music was louder than Yuuri was used to, but they had free drink tokens they were going to use up before they would even consider leaving. Chris stood beside him as Victor walked up to the bar and Yuuri watched him, that nagging feeling in his stomach flaring up again. It wasn’t that long ago that he had gotten laid, but there was something about the way Victor moved that made it hard to peel his eyes away from his frame.

“You having fun?” Chris asked, his tone friendly.

“Yeah,” Yuuri smiled, “I hope you guys are, too.”

Victor appeared next to Yuuri and handed him a shot, a huge smile on his face. He wasn’t even _drunk_ , but he sure seemed to be in high spirits. Maybe it was the fact that tonight was dedicated to seeing and discovering something new, and it seemed Victor also had a similar promise to keep to himself. It felt easy, natural, but there was also something about it that made Yuuri’s brain question his gut. _Was_ there something he should be paying attention to?

“I’m gonna head to the bathroom,” Victor said abruptly, taking off his hoodie.

Yuuri felt his eyes widen as he stared at the blue-eyed man, whose t-shirt clung to his body snugly and showed his toned arms and shoulders. As if looking at his face wasn’t enough of a shocker, Yuuri was now certain that that nagging _thing_ in his stomach was telling him that Victor was more than just a somewhat innocent, sweet guy who was on vacation. Sure, he was being friendly, but now, Yuuri felt like he didn’t understand anything — like he didn’t know what the hell he was doing at all.

“Did he always look like that?” Yuuri asked incredulously, leaning into Chris.

“Yeah?” Chris blinked, “He always has. What do you mean?”

Shaking his head, Yuuri merely laughed and took a sip of whatever the hell he was originally drinking, his resolve to _not_ get into bed slowly being chipped away. Time seemed to be a blur after Victor came back to the bar, a series of jokes being exchanged as Yuuri fought to take back his phone from Victor’s grasp, whose laugh was infectious. Before Yuuri could _really_ process what was going on, his hands were on Victor’s arms and he wanted nothing more than to keep touching him. It was difficult being this way, because while he knew what sexual attraction was, he never _really_ felt it as purely as this. It wasn’t to kill his sadness, either. Without really thinking about it, Yuuri pulled out his Snapchat and took a photo of him and Victor, thinking that it was a fun night he wanted to remember for a long time.

“Are you getting hungry?” Victor asked.

“ _Starving_ ,” Yuuri laughed.

“Let’s get out of here.”

As soon as the bouncers opened the door to the streets of Roppongi, Yuuri froze at the bottom of the steps, his eyes widening. Before him, the pavement where cars drove on may have been visible, but surely enough, the sidewalks were _covered_ in snow. Taking a step forward as he pushed his hands into his coat pockets, Yuuri could see his breath as he tried to process the mess that was happening inside his head and heart. Looking back at Victor, he was starting to grow frustrated at the prospect that he _still_ couldn’t name the emotion he was getting in every part of his body. To be absolutely frank, Yuuri did not believe in things like love at first sight. It was a sham to romance when the media portrayed it, but right now, at this moment, he felt something like it:

Victor was the embodiment of someone he wanted to keep around, though the reasons were still unclear to him.

“Wanna go to the convenience store?” Yuuri asked, shivering.

“Oh, shit,” Victor exclaimed, “your feet are cold!”

“What?” Yuuri looked down at his feet. He _clearly_ had worn the wrong shoes for this.

“You’re gonna freeze if we don’t get you back to the hotel.”

“What? Oh, no, this is fine —“

“It’s not,” Victor said decisively, “here, come here.”

“What for?”

“I’ll carry you.”

Yuuri’s laughter rumbled from his heart and burst through his lips, but Victor’s eyes watched him carefully. “You’re joking, right? I’m heavy!”

“I seriously doubt it,” Victor said as he crouched forward, his arms ready to catch Yuuri, “come on. You’re going to freeze if you don’t let me carry you.”

Hesitantly, Yuuri wrapped his arms around Victor’s neck and and climbed onto his back, allowing him to pull him up into a comfortable position. He held his phone in his hand and they laughed as Victor walked towards the train station, their closeness making whatever block of ice Yuuri’s heart was in begin to melt. Quickly pulling out his camera, he snapped another photo of them, the both of them smiling. It almost felt like a phenomenon, because Yuuri’s heart he could swear he had known this man from somewhere before. Whatever was nagging at him before was beginning to quiet down, but it was starting to turn into something that made him want to stay with Victor longer.

The train ride only took about twenty minutes, and the buzz of the night was starting to wear off but one thing was certain: Victor’s eyes had not stopped looking at Yuuri the way they had. It wasn’t electric, but it was warm and soft and all Yuuri could see in his head was kissing this man until their mouths bruised. It had nothing to do with lust, but maybe there truly was an unnamed emotion that would stay unnamed because it was so freaking _rare_. Chris had followed them into the hotel lobby, but quickly said he was going to hang out downstairs. Victor nodded and gestured towards the elevator. Dumbfounded, Yuuri’s feet made the decision before his brain could, and he followed Victor into the elevator.

“Tonight was fun,” Victor murmured as the elevator went up, his eyes watching Yuuri’s face.

“Yeah,” he replied quietly, “it really was.”

In silence, they walked towards Victor’s hotel room and stumbled in, their laughter more light and nervous, now. Yuuri sat on one of the beds, his absolutely calm and still, not normally the way it would have been. His hands weren’t cold, and his heart — for once — wasn’t shouting at him to say no. Even though clad in darkness, Yuuri could see Victor perfectly — the nuances of his face, the shine in his eyes, and the way his mouth curved into a small smile as he pushed Yuuri back against the headboard, his hand cupping his face.

“Are you nervous?” Yuuri murmured as Victor moved to lay next to him, his voice quiet.

“Yes,” Victor said simply, “are you?”

If Yuuri was used to lying to people before, this was the _only_ time he felt it to be wrong. Quietly, he whispered, “yes.”

It was slow, tender, and gave Yuuri plenty of time to think and to feel Victor with all the senses he had. He smelled like the earth, like rain, and despite the _obvious_ strength he possessed, Victor was careful as he began touching Yuuri. Maybe it was due to the fact that everyone else always just wanted to get it _over_ with, so there wasn’t much time to figure out how he felt, but as Victor pulled off his shirt, but Yuuri felt absolutely intoxicated. By his kisses, his touches, the way he panted every time he kissed Yuuri’s neck. Slowly, Victor placed Yuuri against the headboard with his legs spread, and the look in each of their eyes was not of hunger, but of warmth. Kissing his way from Yuuri’s neck to his stomach, Victor’s hands touched the waistband of his pants, his eyes looking up at Yuuri.

At this point in time, Yuuri was accustomed to different men taking off his pants, but he found himself biting his lip as they were yanked off him, Victor’s eyes never leaving his face. It was new, it was something that was more than intimate, but for the first time, he wasn’t afraid. Feeling Victor’s lips against his now bare thighs, Yuuri  felt something in his heart shifting, something that he felt and knew was finally settling into place. People have taken good care of him before, but there was something in Victor’s eyes that he didn’t recognize. Miraculously still, it was something he knew he had been searching for.

Their breaths became shallower as they kissed harder, their bodies moving against the hotel bedsheets, craving for a warmth they both sought subconsciously. It was rooted deep in their hearts, unlike any other emotion they had felt before, but it wouldn’t go away no matter how many kisses they gave, no matter how they looked at each other. Yuuri wanted more, he wanted all of him. He felt it to be selfish but his heart felt like it could breathe a little bit more, like it had more air. He could feel the crevices and cracks of his heart being mended, and he had long forgotten how hurt he had been.

“Are you sure?” Victor whispered finally, his breath warm against Yuuri’s flushed skin.

He was pretty sure he had nodded, but Victor wasn’t touching him, still. His eyes held weight and after hearing the question two more times, Yuuri blinked.

“Yes,” he firmly said — something he had never done before.

Kisses and touches had never felt so safe, so warm, but Yuuri had to wonder that if sex was supposed to feel like this in the first place, why hadn’t he felt it before? Victor’s lips moved from between his legs to his lips and Yuuri couldn’t help but wrap his arms around his neck as he kissed him, pouring affection he knew was from deep inside him into their lips. Yuuri was starved, craving something he didn’t know existed, and as Victor lovingly kissed his neck and his collarbone, he couldn’t help but look away, worried that this was just some sick dream. He could feel Victor pressing his wet fingers against him, and Yuuri drew in a deep breath, letting his eyes flutter closed. The warmth was searing through him, but it wasn’t anything he wasn’t used to. When Victor pushed a little harder and thrusted a little deeper, Yuuri gasped and his eyes shot open.

The sight before him was Victor’s eyes watching him, filled with a yearning that was so clear in the dark. As though he was feeling something for the first time, Yuuri couldn’t pull his gaze away, couldn’t hide the secrets he kept safe. He let Victor look at his eyes, praying that maybe, he saw the very thing that Yuuri felt.

Maybe, Victor knew exactly what it was and would tell him.

* * *

For the first time, Yuuri was not shaking after having slept with someone while sober. He laid under the covers as Victor stared up at the ceiling, his expression content. Glancing at Yuuri, he smirked as he came closer, burying his face in Yuuri’s shoulder, sighing. After having been used and fucked the way he was, Yuuri couldn’t help but feel like Victor was different than the others, especially in the way he tried to make him laugh even though technically, he got what he wanted.

“Was that okay?” Victor asked.

“It was,” Yuuri replied, “that was actually more than okay.”

“You wouldn’t look at me, you know,” Victor murmured as he pulled away from Yuuri, looking him straight in the face.

“Oh,” Yuuri began, “that’s not your fault. It’s a habit.”

“A habit?”

“Yeah, like I feel weird when people look at me in that situation.”

“Why?”

Taking a deep breath, Yuuri drew closer to him, moving his eyes to the ceiling, as though that was going to get rid of the sullen expression he had on his face. “Normally, when I do things like this, I wake up the next morning and I regret it instantly.”

The silence that pierced Victor’s hotel room was palpable, but it didn’t feel awkward in the sense that Yuuri felt he had to leave. He allowed for his words to sit in the air, because for once, he wanted to be honest about the condition of his heart. Granted, Victor was a total stranger, but like a spell that had been cast onto him, Yuuri felt as though there was more to the man than sex and alcohol, and maybe even heavy flirting. They were matched, they both were experiencing the same type of loneliness, and maybe right now, this was what they needed.

Even as Victor sighed and held him impossibly closer, Yuuri did not want to run away. He laid still as Victor kissed his skin and held him close, breathing calmly as he hummed.

“I was afraid I was doing something wrong,” Victor finally said.

“No,” Yuuri smiled, “it’s not you.”

A short silence followed before Victor took a deep breath. “Then,” he whispered, “will you regret me in the morning?”

Truthfully, it did not take a long time for Yuuri to decide what his answer would be. Thinking back on it, there was nothing that Yuuri was more certain of. _How_ he knew his answer, without really knowing what Victor would come to mean, was still a mystery that he couldn’t crack. It didn’t mean that he was lying, though, and it certainly didn’t mean it was any less true the more time went on. If anything, everything he felt on the night they met was truer than anything else he had ever felt. Without so much as a pause, Yuuri answered Victor’s question.

“No,” he murmured as he turned to face him, “I won’t.”

**Author's Note:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylwMslo_3PY
> 
> more chapters to come, kudos/comments are always so very appreciated.


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